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October 02, 2004

Get on Board the Points Train!

Coming on the heels of our ongoing discussion of comic-book-to-cinema crossovers is our latest contest.

Strain your thinkers here, kids, because the points gain is potentially staggering.

I got to thinking about the potential festival of bad cinema that the new Fantastic Four movie is primed to turn into. That got me thinking about Reed Richards. They had to make him a super-genius, because his super "power" was so silly. He can get all stretchy and plastic.

I remember the comics would have to put the heroes in unrealistic positions just so he could participate. We need someone to fit through the keyhole! We need someone to pretend to be the floor! We need someone to wrap himself around an armed criminal and hope he doesn't think to pull the trigger!

Useless powers and forced situations made me think, of course, of Aquaman. Woe is us! If only someone could talk to these fish, earth would be saved!

So here's the contest, and the stakes are high: Every guffaw, laugh, chortle or even grin gets you 25 points. Unlimited entries means potentially unlimited points.

Your job: think up super powers more useless than being plastic or talking to fish.

My own ideas? Always having correct change. Super fashion sense. Creating pink spots on any wall, any time. The ability to always pick up a 7-10 split. Always hitting the light green.

You can do better. You have until Monday night.

And as for the Fantastic Four movie....

jessica alba.jpg

It won't be ALL bad.

Posted by Dan at October 2, 2004 08:43 AM

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Can clear a crowded elevator between floors.

Can eliminate dust bunnies, mites and other allergens when walking into a room.

The psychic ability to spot people wearing boxer shorts.

The ability to projectile vomit on demand (one of the Olsen twins gets this part).

A psychic T1 connection to the internet.
Sidekick: "How do we get out of this jam InternetMan?"
InternetMan: "I don't know trusty sidekick. Let me google."

Lugggage always comes out first from baggage claim at the airport.

The psychic ability to send pictures to cell phones.

Can inflate car tires and seal flats with his lungs. Fix-a-flat man.

Can shape shift his face into standard emoticons.

Can urinate hydrochloric acid.

Posted by: Ralph at October 2, 2004 10:49 AM

Pastry Man, who has the uncanny ability to transform into various baked goods.

Along with his sidekick, Immovable Boy, who has the power to stand still for relatively long periods of time for someone of his age, they fight a relentless battle against their arch nemesis, that nefarious nogoodnik, The Rake, and his feindish plot to capture the fallen leaves of innocent citizens.

Posted by: Mr. E. at October 2, 2004 12:27 PM

I forgot to mention The Opossum, who has the power to pretend he is dead, and The Sloth, who moves slower than the eye can follow.

Posted by: Mr. E. at October 2, 2004 01:06 PM

I would also like to see a hero with the power to instantly bring the air in any enclosed space to room temperature.

Posted by: Mr. E. at October 3, 2004 03:28 AM

Then there Flatundo. He was born with a mutated gastric system that produces nitroglycerine.

He has the power to explode!

But he can only do it once.

Posted by: Mr. E. at October 3, 2004 09:17 AM

Don't forget Sarcastro, who can cripple his enemies with the devastating power of his sarcasm ("Yeah right!")

Okay that's not fair. I stole that from the classic, tragically short-lived "The Tick" cartoon.

So here are some more ideas: The ability to use nail clippers to cut off finger and toenails and hit a target up to 20 feet away with pinpoint accuracy.

Bible Man: in any situation, no matter how bizarre, strained, or mundane, can instantly cite a chapter and verse that relates in some way to the events at hand.

Air Guitar Girl: Can wiggle her fingers and make noises with her throat to uncannily mimick the playing styles of any prominent rock guitarist of the last 35 years.

The Smoke Detector: can not only instantly detect the smell of tobacco smoke lit within 50 meters, but can identify the brand and variety purely by smell.

Conspiracy Constructor: Can look at any world event and with pinpoint accuracy describe how the Jews, the Freemasons, the Bavarian Illuminati, or Karl Rove are likely the prime movers behind it.

Also there's Mildew Boy, who has an incredible ability to converse with mold.

Posted by: Dean Esmay at October 3, 2004 09:42 AM

Bookworm Boy: The super-heroic ability to ignore the crises around him as he reads.

Cornflake Girl: The ability to shoot milk from her fingertips. Alternately, an aging Gen-X woman who still listens Tori Amos.

The Pantser: Can telekenetically drop his enemies' pants from across the room. Often teams up with Wedgie-Man.

The Tearjerker: Has a George Costanza-like ability to out-pathos anyone else in the room.

Posted by: folkbum at October 3, 2004 11:49 AM

The Cheese Slicer - The ability to cut perfectly even cheese slices.

The Bovine Diviner - The ability to read cows’ thoughts.

The Human Sponge - The ability to absorb water.

The Heaver – The ability to vomit hot chocolate.

The Joint – The ability to get high on marijuana at any time without actually ingesting any marijuana in any form.

Paper Thin – The ability to make himself as thin as a piece of 20lb. paper and to give vicious paper cuts.

Mr. Munchies – The ability to detect junk food from a distance of 100 meters without use of any of his five senses.

The File Cabinet – The ability to meticulously sort and categorize large quantities of files within mere minutes.

Posted by: Joel Caris at October 3, 2004 10:05 PM


The first couple there might be useful! Who wouldn't like to bounce a fingernail off someone at 20 feet?

Posted by: Big Dan at October 3, 2004 10:16 PM

Monkey Master – The ability to make any monkey within one mile dance.

The Self-Satisfier – Can lock himself in the bathroom for hours on end.

Posted by: Joel Caris at October 3, 2004 10:58 PM

Oh my, this contest makes me want to find a box set of "Whose Line is it Anyway...?"

Posted by: Nathan at October 4, 2004 01:24 AM

Captain Black -- He has the ability to make everything black. His theme song is "Paint It Black."

The Amazing Crack -- Nobody's sure if he's for real. All we know is that if you step on a crack in a sidewalk and hear "ouch!" you've found him.

Super Slacker -- He's a literal bump on a log. Our superhero sat on a log for so long, his skin cells fused to the wood. He has now mastered the art of laziness.

Homeless Girl -- She's an expert at, well, nobody knows besides simply being a homeless bum. She just follows the Justice League around making rude comments about how they haven't helped HER.

The Amazing Automated Independent Full-time Random List Generator -- He can fire off lists of different things at will. The problem is that he never stops, and you can't control what the list is about.

Captain Half-geek -- This guy follows nerd subjects but doesn't know how to use computers that well. He's useless to both the popular kids AND the outcast nerds.

Cabinator -- Every time something happens, he transforms into a cabin and teleports to the closest wooded area.

Super Vaccuum -- She can trap the entire universe in her bag at will, but this has no effect on existence since the entire universe is simply moved. She refuses to admit that she "sucks," literally, to this very day.

Posted by: Alex D. at October 4, 2004 06:18 AM

Good heavens... there will be lots of points given away for this one.

Last day to add comments!

Posted by: Big Dan at October 4, 2004 07:59 AM

The villians are being neglected. To rectify this, may I introduce:

Muppet Master - He can control the movements and speech of anyone, but he has to be able to get his hand under the back of thier shirt.

The Sinister Saga-Meister - Saga Meister tells long, unbelievable stories in an effort to put people off their guard so that he can carry out his nefarious whims. He doesn't know what those are yet, because people usually just get up and leave before he can get them to that point.

Terpsichore - She is a pretty good dancer, but an evil pretty good dancer.

Zwie-back - A villian of German extraction who has the power, via cosmic rays from his hindquarters, to cause bread to become overly-toasted.

Posted by: Mr. E. at October 4, 2004 08:55 AM

More Superheroes:
The Cataloguer: Not only solves your problem, but tells you what page to find the best outfit on in the LL Bean or Lands' End catalogs.

Spatulaman: Can scrape anything off of anything created by his partner, the Teflonator.

The Exchequer: Can freeze the assets of anyone.

Old Navy: Infuses the bad guys with denim molecules, creating overwhelming happiness and ending their evil schemes.

Some Villains, a la Mr. E:
The Sinister Minister: I love the Bela Fleck song, and I can only picture Big Dan now when I hear it.

The Barrista: Slings overpriced lattes, leaving pretty nasty burns and empty wallets everywhere she goes.

The Squeegee: Wipes the smile off of anyone's face.

oViT: Erases all the good stuff you have saved on your TiVo.

Posted by: folkbum at October 4, 2004 08:38 PM

I decided the WonderTwins needede an appropriate Arch-Foe.

The Larcenous Licenser, who imposes fees on bizarre space animals, and his partner, the Mystic Mop, who can, uuh, mop things.

I may be too late for points, but it's the principle of the thing that matters.

Posted by: Mr. E. at October 5, 2004 12:53 AM

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