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January 20, 2005

I'll have to sleep on it.

Ever wake up at 2:30 a.m. because you couldn't sleep? Hmmm. Ok, but did you ever wake up at 2:30 a.m. because you couldn't sleep because your back was swollen and painful because they stuck a needle between two of your ribs and into a 5.5 x 3.5 cm tumor adjacent to your aorta? Yeah, me too.

Harrington Hospital offers these helpful hints to get you some sleep. Pharg. My comments in the light text:

For two weeks, keep a sleep log of your sleep habits to identify trouble spots. Dear diary, I did really great tonight. I lay down, closed my eyes and waited, just like Harrington Hospital said. I got EVERY step correct except the last one (Step Four: fall asleep). Do you think Susie likes me?

Use a comfortable bed. Whoa. I've been sleeping on the concrete floor of our basement. Thank you, Harrington Hospital!

Go to bed only when you are sleepy. This is why they made Nyquil.

Get up the same time every day regardless of what time you go to bed. Yes, yes, but they don't say WHAT time that should be. I'm assuming they mean 11 a.m.

Do not take a nap unless it is for only around 15 minutes and it does not interfere with your nighttime sleep. This is why my sermons average 14-16 minutes each. Gotta keep the congregation well-rested!

Use the bedroom for sleep and sex only. I got this one down. In fact, I can often do both simultaneously.

Try to set 30 minutes aside per day for worrying. When worried or stressed use this time to make a diary of your worries and stresses. Insert your own "Dan has cancer" joke here. On the other hand, don't.

If you can not sleep after lying down for 15 minutes or so, get up and read or watch television. No pressure there: asleep yet? How about now? NOW? How about now? WHUPS, time's up!

Exercise during the day, but not after 7:00 p.m. There goes my nightly "Midnight Thigh-Master" tradition.

Make the hour before bedtime quiet time. Take a warm bath, read a little or prepare a light bedtime snack. I think I prefer whatever planet it is that Harrington Hospital occupies. Why not also take an hour before bed for crafts and another for "me time." Didn't you know that days have 60 hours each now?

Keep the bedroom quiet, cool and dark and make sure it remains dark in the morning. This effect can be gained easily and cheaply by moving into a crack house.

Avoid caffeine. If you must have caffeine, limit yourself to 3 caffeinated drinks, preferably before 12 noon. (Coffee, tea, chocolate). They could be on to something here. I usually am working on my third or fourth Coke when the toast pops up.

Avoid smoking at least one hour before bedtime. Nicotine is a stimulant. I fully agree. Never smoke in the hour before bed. Wait until you're actually IN the bed. MUCH more comfy.

Avoid alcohol - it will help you fall asleep but it will make your sleep more fragmented. By "fragmented" they mean "you're going to wake up screaming, covered in illusory bugs and smelling like a men's room." This is, admittedly, a bad sleep environment.

Place the clock out of sight if you are a clock-watcher. But, how will I know when my 15 minutes are up? I know, I'll set the alarm!

Try to avoid liquids after 7:00 p.m. so you will not be getting up to go to the bathroom frequently. "Avoid liquids"??? They couldn't just say "Don't drink after 7 p.m."??? They make it sound so dramatic. Tap water - run! Sweet Lord, she has tea - will the woman stop at nothing?

I suspect this list, like all things created at 2:50 a.m., is funnier now than it will be when daylight hits it. Still, it did the trick: I'm going back to bed.

See you in 15 minutes.

Posted by Dan at January 20, 2005 02:58 AM

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Comments

//Try to set 30 minutes aside per day for worrying. When worried or stressed use this time to make a diary of your worries and stresses.//

???!!!???!!??!?!!!?!

i don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. it has to be the most ludicrous thing i've ever heard.

Posted by: beth at January 20, 2005 10:12 AM

Dunno. I can see daylight here and your post is still pretty damn funny.

Posted by: Ara Rubyan at January 20, 2005 11:29 AM

No actual LIGHT here (it is Youngstown after all - we get brighter cloud cover during the day), but it's not as bad as I thought it might be.

Posted by: Big Dan at January 20, 2005 06:07 PM

"Use the bedroom for sleep and sex only. I got this one down. In fact, I can often do both simultaneously." You'll have to let me in on what the difference is.

Posted by: Mrs. Popping Culture at January 20, 2005 09:48 PM

Yoink! Scratch reason to live #219.

Posted by: Big Dan at January 20, 2005 10:52 PM

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