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February 04, 2005
The little things I miss.
I never was a "spring out of bed" type of guy. I am content to roll miserably out of the bed and grudgingly start my day, waiting the hour or two until I completely gain my senses.
Still, there were days when the sun was shining in the windows and I felt just plain GOOD, like I had energy and couldn't wait to get on with the day.
It feels like it might be a long time before I have that kind of energy again.
Today I woke up and my goal was: to take a shower. You never realize how exhausting a shower can be until you have cancer, I guess. Instead, I woke up, stood up out of the bed (an act which felt like it tired me out), walked downstairs and sat. Until the early afternoon, when I took a nap. Now, that full itinerary has wiped me out: I'm about ready to call it a day.
Think I'm overstating it? For supper I had a bowl of Cheerios and I COULDN'T LIFT THE GALLON OF MILK to pour in the bowl. Mrs. Popping Culture had to help me out.
Yes, the nausea is mostly gone until the next treatment. Yes, I'm not having as many painful crampy legs or arms or back. Still, I can't believe how weak I am.
I guess this is why people, generally speaking, avoid being poisoned.
And then there's this:
2Co 12:8 And about this thing I made request to the Lord three times that it might be taken away from me.
2Co 12:9 And he said to me, My grace is enough for you, for my power is made complete in what is feeble. Most gladly, then, will I take pride in my feeble body, so that the power of Christ may be on me.
2Co 12:10 So I take pleasure in being feeble, in unkind words, in needs, in cruel attacks, in troubles, on account of Christ: for when I am feeble, then am I strong. - Bible in Basic English Translation
I understand it now. Before, even when I had limits, I didn't feel weak. I still tried my way first.
Tonight, even through the chemo-haze, I can see how blessed a guy like me can be. I am strong because my wife is strong and takes care of me. I am strong because there are representatives from the church association making sure I will get my bills paid. I am strong because my doctors are watching out for my health. I am strong because everyone in my life has said "let me know what we can do" and they said it like they meant it, not like it was a simple good-bye.
I'm just plain wiped out and there's another treatment coming. Still, I see that I really can be ok even when my own life is out of my control. It's hard, you know, giving up control in such a real way.
For tonight, I sleep.
Who knows? Tomorrow I might even take a shower.
Posted by Dan at February 4, 2005 07:59 PM
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Comments
Control? What a thing that is to have, be losing, and to have taken away. I’ll never forget having had enough of the “mush” I had to eat. I was having a really difficult time not gagging on solid food so everything pretty much was having to be blended up into either complete mush or in liquid form. While I was beyond thankful to have individuals standing over me feeding me for however long it took, sometimes an hour at time, I got so tired of hearing, “Dang Cam! I wish I didn’t have to make you drink this!” And with family or close friends taking over the “feeding duties” so a nurse wouldn’t have to, it in some ways made it sweeter and yet harder. Control where eating and food was concerned was something I had had to give up completely or so I thought until this one night.
She and I had become fast friends months before! She has a love for the “homebound and hospitalized” that is rare for a woman her age. It was no wonder really that we hit it off like we did. Anyways. On this Thursday night, I had been “fed” and the 25 or so individuals who had been around the hospital room throughout the day had left. I was in the bed literally not able to move anything from my neck down and feeling really lonely. It sucks to not be able to change the friggin’ channel when ya want! Anyways.. And then in she walked. Her smile lit me up like a fireworks display on the 4th of July! She walked over and made a little crack about the “urine bag” beside my bed and how clearly I needed something to drink. Oh how that made us both laugh! So with a gleam in her eye she told me she’d be right back.
When she returned, I couldn’t believe what she had in her hands! In one a soft drink and the other a chocolate candy bar! OHHHHHHH HEAVEN! I felt myself jump up out of the bed and hug her neck but of course I was still just motionless in the bed. She raised the bed up where I was sort of in a sitting position but really it was just how the bed made me look. She teased me and said, “Ohhh! I’m sorry! Did you think I am going to share this with you?” I laughed again! She then proceeded to take the candy bar in her hands and gently crush it up until most of the pieces were broken up into tiny bits. She got as close to me as she could and said, “Thought you might like a candy bar and a soda!” Needless to say, she stood there and fed me the candy bar making sure to give me time between each bite so that I was able to get it down my throat. Then she would slowly take the soft drink and give me a small drink until the candy bar and the drink were all gone.
Funny enough? I had a feeling of such control and such sweet release! And here I had not even raised a finger… When she left, I had tears streaming down my face in thanksgiving for the love of God!
One of the things I consider an honor and joy doing now, feeding others like I had been fed but with a deeper understanding of the many ways one can truly be nourished!
May God's strength and mercy sustain you in all things... No matter how large or small..
Posted by: Cam at February 5, 2005 01:22 PM
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