November 02, 2005
I have no idea what to call this entry.
Well, it's been a week of being aware that my husband is dead. Sorry if that sounds too "real", but there's really no other way to put it. OK, there are other ways to put it, but they seem fake to me.
It was at our church's pumpkin carving last year that we noticed that Danny wasn't feeling well. Of course, at the time, we didn't think much of it, until he discovered the big lump on his back a couple of weeks later. So while the pumpkin carving at my house Friday was fun (who wouldn't have fun with all that candy and smashing pumpkins in the street?), it was also a reminder of how this mess started.
On Sunday, I visited the First Baptist Church of Dorset in Dorset, Ohio. This was Danny's first pastorate. I wanted to visit them before the weather got bad and Sunday was their chili cook off, so that was a no-brainer. It was great visiting them and even judging the chili. Fun, but again, no Danny.
After I left there on Sunday, I went to Brant's apple orchard where Danny and I used to go in the fall for cinnamon twists, caramel apple cookies, and cider. They also have apples. But no Danny.
Then Halloween was Monday. We never really did a whole lot on Halloween since we didn't get trick-or-treaters at our house. But Danny always had dreams of what we would do "one day." He talked about setting up a maze in the back yard and scaring the crap out of kids so we could steal their candy. OK, HE talked about scaring the kids and I talked about stealing their candy. We were a good team that way.
Tomorrow (Thursday), I'm going to a concert alone. I keep telling myself that people do these kinds of things alone all the time, so I can do it, too. All I know is that if Ben Folds breaks into "The Luckiest," I'll be stepping out of the auditorium for a moment.
Also, my birthday is coming up, then Thanksgiving, then his birthday, then Christmas, then New Year's.
That's all I'm saying.
Posted by Stephanie at November 2, 2005 11:35 PM
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This entry could be called Truth after death. There are no words to say that will make these feelings disappear. You are very brave to be meeting them head on instead of making believe they don't exist. I think the best thing to do is to continue to let us know how you are feeling (when you are comfortable with it). I cannot tell you how much my heart aches right now for you. God is there and so Dan is there with you in spirit.
Posted by: Carla at November 3, 2005 11:57 AM
Stephanie -- you are also brave to go back to places that remind you of Dan. Know that our prayers are with you. Death is a jerk.
Posted by: chava at November 3, 2005 04:35 PM
The world is so much poorer for Dan's not being in it. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I stand in awe of your courage. For what it's worth, you are one of the people in this world that I truly admire.
Dan was a very lucky man. And cancer is a jerk.
Posted by: Killer Kitten at November 3, 2005 09:24 PM
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